Top 10 Dorks of 2020

Centuries ago, Zeus imprisoned Typhon under a mountain. Naturally, when the monstrous giant escaped, he had a bone to collect with the Greek gods. As a joke, Typhon turned the deities into a variety of useless creatures, but the joke was on Typhon because Ares was useless even before he was transformed into a rooster. As a god, Ares was a proud hothead who did not understand his place in the pecking order. After restoring its essence, it quickly reverts to its old ways. We preferred this bird brain when he was a real bird. At least it was just a bottle of hot sauce away from becoming buffalo wings.

Everyone in the Harmonix musical mashup is a total buffoon, so we thought it would be hard to pick just one standout loser. Then we met this arrogant rich kid with daddy issues whose name makes him sound like a 12^e– Decepticon generation. Dissentor makes all the other DJs in Fuser look like Han Solo. Seriously, this guy is like cool antimatter; if he had just bumped into a leather jacket, they would probably annihilate each other. Does Dissentor think the mask is all the rage, or is he just trying to hide from the shame he feels every time he looks at himself in the mirror?

Gulliver is a seagull who wakes up on the beach a day after what was probably a club soda bender. Sure, he has a punishing name, but he essentially forces you to find the missing pieces of his broken communicator so he can contact his “missing” team. However, the further you go through her story, the more it seems like her crew doesn’t really exist. Hi Gulliver, we would be happy to introduce you to a few of our friends, but unfortunately they all live in Canada. Yes, they are real! We just don’t have any pictures … because, uh … because they’re invisible people.

Sure, Dusa has a face that might make onions cry, but she’s still endearing. As the maid of House Hades, the head of this disembodied Gorgon keeps everything clean. Dusa stands head and shoulders above all the staff at House Hades. She has a slightly annoying, high-pitched voice and a tendency to sneak up on her whenever you take a step towards her, but those qualities only make us want to get to know her better. We have so many questions. For example, what does she nourish her hair? Live rodents? We would like to ask her, but for someone without feet, she runs fast.

Kenji is such a mess, he’s like a coil of walking blooper. Whenever Jin meets Kenji, he ends up pulling Kenji out of a fire that he probably started himself. Whether it’s smuggling sake past the Mongol invaders, selling bogus supplies to raiding groups, or stealing the property of the country’s fiercest Ronin warriors, Kenji always invents the wrong tree. Maybe you’ve heard of facial blindness? Well, Kenji is blinded by a bad idea. If a plan seems to fail, it’s probably because it comes out of Kenji’s mouth.

Every character in the rebirth of Battletoads is a total idiot; it’s hard to pick just one… so we won’t. These two (or were there three?) Look like they just stepped out of a ’90s cereal commercial, but it actually makes them cooler than they are. Zitz, Pimple, and Porkrind (or whatever their name is) all have distinct personalities, but we couldn’t get a real reading of their character traits because every time they opened their mouths we unintentionally started shouting: “Shut up! on the screen.

Delamain is an advanced AI system that runs a transportation service in Night City. We’ve heard about it, but that’s something else. It is a very advanced neural network and it runs a taxi service. Talk about low goals. We’re trying to bring down the biggest business on planet Earth, and Delamain says, “Please take my cars for me.” No thanks, man. Additionally, Delamain could choose to look like anyone, but his idealized form is a bald, pale poindexter. We don’t want to insult Delamain in the face, but that face is sort of an insult in itself.

We will never forget our first interaction with Roche, no matter how hard we try. This renegade soldier shows up on a motorcycle race through Midgar, and it was immediately clear that this monster was obsessed with speed, motorcycles, and making others uncomfortable with every movement of the body. Strangely, we don’t remember Roche being this boring in the original game. Oh wait, that’s because when the original Final Fantasy VII came out in 1997, the technology didn’t exist to create such a larger-than-life clown dog.

Paimon is the Big Gazoo of 2020. She’s tiny, she can only hover a few feet from the ground, and everything she says is designed to disturb you. Paimon is incredibly bubbly and upbeat, but she’s so sweet we think she gave us cavities. Your character actually meets Paimon before the game starts, when you fish her in a lake, and Paimon says she would have drowned without you. But guess what? Fish should be returned if they are too small. Hey, that gives us an idea: let’s lock Paimon in a closet.

Just because you’re a jerk doesn’t mean you’re unkind. Ichiban is one of the most endearing characters of the year. He has a total heart of gold, and he sees the world and its problems with almost childish wonder. It also gives him a strong sense of right and wrong, which we admire. Ichiban loves RPGs like Dragon Quest so much that he sees life as one great adventure in which he is the hero – perhaps spending nearly two decades in prison damaged his brain. Even so, the next time someone tries to give you a whirl for being a jerk, just look at Ichiban and remember that it’s okay to have a bad hair day.